


The Real Dumbasses Of Whitechapel

by cactusboob



Series: Chat Fic Shit [2]
Category: My Babysitter's A Vampire
Genre: "Human" Disaster Jesse, Awkward, Bad Jokes, Benny Weir Could Cut Off My Nipples And I'd Still Love Him, Benny's Betty Is Here But She's Her Own Person, Bisexual Disaster Benny, Can We Please Revive This Show???, Cannon Divergence, Demons, Dirty Jokes, Distinguished Lesbian Benny's Grandma, Dorks, Dorks Trying To Be Cool, Dumb Riverdale References, Ethan Morgan Has The Most Adorable Voice Cracks I Swear, Ethan and Benny and Rory Are Pretty Boys, F/F, F/M, Functional Bi Sarah, Functional Gay Ethan, Geeks, Ghosts, Humor, Jesse and Rory are the only ones, Latin Is Hard Okay?!?, M/M, Memes, Pansexual Disaster Erica, Recreational Drug Use, Same Goes For Ethan's Veronica, Seers, Somewhat Functional "Human" Rory, Star Wars References, Supernatural Elements, Texting, Useless Vampires, Vampires, Very Few Heterosexuals, Witches, Wizards, canoodling, chat fic, fake lore, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2020-12-20 23:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21064625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusboob/pseuds/cactusboob
Summary: teethan: benny how the fuck am i going to explain the big ass whole in my door? again!?possiblesociopath: aliens.teethan: aliens?possiblesociopath: yes, aliensteethan: seems legit





	1. Lawn Of The Dead

**Author's Note:**

> im basing these off of of the actual episodes 
> 
> just fyi  
☆  
teethan>ethan  
possiblesociopath>benny  
hotbitch>erica  
ToniTopaz???>sarah  
SexyButCuntish>jesse  
b>betty  
v>veronica  
Janetheprincess>jane  
MorganParent_1>samantha  
MorganParent_2>ross  
EarthPriestess>grandma  
☆  
in case youre wondering about Benny's user, there are literally times where people have cried in front of him and he's just like," yeah so star wars. ethan. geek shit. ethan. magic"
> 
> so yeah  
☆
> 
> Benny's Grandma can just randomly pop into different chats. don't ask why. she just can. she be powerful like that

**The Real Dumbasses Of Whitechapel **

vampireninja: WHAT IS UP HAMBONES

teethan: why on gods not so good not so green earth are you awake???

teethan: it's like sleep o'clock rn

vampireninja: RELLY? WELL, IT'S GET MARRIED O'CLOCK IN MEXICO SOOOO

teethan: and who's getting married????

vampireninja: YOUR MOMMY

teethan: dumbass she's already married 

teethan: to my dad

possiblesociopath: i swear to god if you two don't stop texing in the gc

teethan: just mute the chat b

vampireninja: BACK TO ME>>> IM GETTING MARRIED 

possiblesociopaths: what poor girl did you vampire trick into marrying you

vampireninja: YOUR GRANMA 

😈hotbitch😈: oh rory didn't know you were into to gilfs 😏😏🤢🤢🤮🤮

ToniTopaz???: And what the fuck is a gilf???????

possiblesociopath: Grandma I'd Like To Fuck 

teethan: i really really don't wanna know how you know that

possiblesociopath: pornhub, duh

vampireninja: GUYS!! BACK TO ME>>>>>

ToniTopaz???: Jeez Ror attention whore much???

vampireninja: (fuck off sarah) IM ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED TO.... BETTY AND VERONICA!!!

teethan: betty and veronica like the girls benny and i were that one time???

😈hotbitch😈: no dumbass. he obviously means betty and veronica from riverdale dumbass 🤡🤩

possiblesociopath: even tho i have joined in on this conversation, i stand by my previous statement that you should all stop texting in the group chat

teethan: just

ToniTopaz???: Mute.

😈hotbitch😈: the 🤦🏼

vampireninja: CHAT 

possiblesociopath: fuck you guys 

vampireninja: ANYWAY, YES I AM GETTING MARRIED TO THAT B AND V ETHAN

😈hotbitch😈: how??🧐

vampireninja: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "how??"

😈hotbitch😈: how are the here

😈hotbitch😈: for a dork you sure are dumb🤣🤣

vampireninja: FIRST OFF, FUCK OFF. SECOND, STILL FUCK OFF. THIRD, I DINT KNKW. MAGIC??

ToniTopaz???: This most definitely will not end well.

**The Real Dumbasses Of Whitechapel **

ToniTopaz???: Benny...

possiblesociopath: yes sar?

😈hotbitch😈: you are not resurrecting dellahs dead dog!🙅🏼🐶🧟

possiblesociopath: yes i am. im getting all the pps now

vampireninja: PPS??

possiblesociopath: possible potions

teethan: first, benny no. just no. second, did you ever get married ror

vampireninja: yes. it was a wonderful ceremony. except for when the girls just like disa fucking peared

teethan: we're gonna talk about that later

possiblesociopath: hey e, i need you to decide which potions the right one. come to mine so you can touch them and do youre vision thing

Tonitopaz???: "come to mine so you can touch them". You wanna rephrase that? Or???

possiblesociopath: nah not really 

😈hotbitch😈: ok then 🤷🏼

**dorks (1)**

possiblesociopath: k so. there are zombie pets everywhere 

teethan: yes I've noticed 

teethan: did i or did i not tell you this wasn't gonna end well

possiblesociopath: pretty sure you didnt. in fact, i vividly remember you saying "so yeah, benny, you sexy guy, this most definitely will end well"

teethan: i did not say that! i said, and i quote,," benny, complete and utter dumbass, this most definitely will not end well. "

possiblesociopath: i doubt that severely but ok

teethan: you know we're gonna need to get your granma for help right

possiblesociopath: um no thanks id rather not 

EarthPriestess: rAtheR n ot WhTa Benny

possiblesociopath: gah! Grandma! your texting diction is atrocious 

EarthPriestess: So i s yUors bTu I'm not JudGing

teethan: grams, benny needs help.

teethan: the dumbass straight up revived a dog from the dead! wehne i specifically aaid not to!

EarthPriestess: Ok, Ko i hAVe jus t the th i ng

**the actual smart people**

teethan: is it just me or is reallll convient that my parents are hosting a dinner party tonight 

😈hotbitch😈: not just you. anyway, where's the other dorky dumbass? 

teethan: doing the tune thing Grandma siad to

ToniTopaz???: *john cena voice* Are you sure about that?

😈hotbitch😈: sorry babe but that meme is dead.

teethan: deceased. 

😈hotbitch😈: el deadio ⚰

ToniTopaz???: Hah! El deadio.

teethan: el deadio 

teethan: wait sarah, whatdoyoumean are you sure about that

ToniTopaz???: He legit just came in to the kitchen, Ethan.

teethan: wait what the fuck

**irl**

"Rory, what'd you do? How come I can still here the music?" - Ethan

"I had an inspiration. Why shred my premo lips when I could just record the tune and play it back on a loop. No. Flute. Required." - Rory

"That still doesn't explain why it sounds like it's coming from the chimney." - Benny

"Uh. Well. Uh. You see. I kinda dropped the phone. Down the chimney."

"Seriously?" - Sarah

"Chillax. I have a plan for getting it back. See, when Santa C. comes..." - Rory

"Rory, shush. You know the drill about plans involving the creepily jolly fat man." - Benny

*Rory looks slightly offended but shuts his mouth nonetheless*

"Wait. If the music's in the house, that means the Possessed-Because-Benny's-A-Dumbass!Animals are in the house." - Ethan 

"Name calling is no way to seduce someone, E." - Benny

"Boy, I swear to God" - Ethan, Sarah, and Rory (and erica from wherever she is rn)

"What!? It's not!" - Benny

*screams from the dining room*

"We should probably go check that out."

**Teh Real Dumbasses of Whitechapel **

ToniTopaz???: Guess who just got her license!!!

vampireninja: ERICA? THE GIRL ACROSS THE STREET? JANE?

😈hotbitch😈: jane? isnt?? even??? old???? enough????? to?????? watch??????? r-rated???????? movies?????????

vampireninja: JUST BECAUSE SHE'S EIGHT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S NOT VALID 

teethan: anyway, congrats Sarah 

possiblesociopath: Grandma just decided that as punishment i must massage her two monstrosities

possiblesociopath: oh fuck i meant feet

EarthPriestess: YoU wann a Say that AgaIn?

possiblesociopath: uh, Grandma! hello! i was just telling Ethan about how lovely youre feet are

😈hotbitch😈: kinky

ToniTopaz???: And I oop! Sksksksksk-

teethan: sarah, no.

* * *

so yeah. im writing for a dead fandom while i shoudl be working on my riverdale/that 70's show thingamajig 

whatever 


	2. three cheers for revenge - part one o' two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo its literally been a year and thirteen days since i posted this lol

vampireninja:  _ my brother be like "hahah im an asshole" _

😈hotbitch😈: you know who else like "hha im an asshole"? cheerleaders 

😈hotbitch😈: atleast, they were. but now that im certified hot, 💅💅 it don't matter no more

teethan: are you gonna try out?

😈hotbitch😈: you betcha 🤗👍🏻

ToniTopaz???: Oh, Jezuz.

possiblesociopath: hey guys guess what

teethan: what do you want benny

possiblesociopath: love, sleep, serotonin. but, for right now, I'll take your attention 

possiblesociopath: basically, im learning new spells and i now know how to make people fall on their face.

teethan: how and when will such a spell ever come into play?

possiblesociopath: i don't no! maybe when we're fighiting monsters??

teethan: you think a small little old face splat is gonna stop a monster

possiblesociopath: yes!

teethan: what? i- are you serious?

ToniTopaz???: Can you two please stop clogging up the chat with your sexual tension?

teethan: what!? sexual tension??? me and benny? as if!

possiblesociopath: wow, e. overacting much?

teethan: fuck you

**and i said, GIRLS**

  
  


ToniTopaz???: Hey, babe. 

😈hotbitch😈: hi

ToniTopaz???: So, I hear you're going to join the cheerleading team?

😈hotbitch😈: ur not gonna stop me sarah

ToniTopaz???: Well, then. I'll join you.

😈hotbitch😈: aight, it don't make me never mind if you join

**dorks (1)**

teethan: no ❤

possiblesociopath: ok but listen, this is a genius idea! 

teethan: mhm sure if genius meant completely fucking stupid which, newsflash, it doesn't 

possiblesociopath: there'll be girls

teethan: which we'll also be, as i hope youre aware

possiblesociopath: yes, i am aware

possiblesociopath: i figure those girls are totally down to experiment, considering 

teethan: right well they won't be down to experiment if they put they're down your hands and, expecting pussy get cock

possiblesociopath: yes, well. i'll figure that out

teethan: benny, how's about your start thinking with your other head for a while?

possiblesociopath: the one with the brain in it?

teethan: yes, the one with the brain in it.

possiblesociopath: eh, i'll think about it

teethan: for fucks sake

**The Real Dumbasses of Whitechapel **

ToniTopaz???: So, Erica and I are gonna try out for the cheerleading squad tomorrow so please don't get into any dangerous situations.

possiblesociopath: us? dangerous situations?

vampireninja:  _ we don't know the meaning of the words _

teethan: not sure about the other two but i have a study date after school so ill be to busy to do that

😈hotbitch😈: a study date is really just slang for 🍑🍆👅, if you catch my drift 

possiblesociopath: e, is what erica's insinuating true?

teethan: no? i don't think so. he seemed like he really wanted to study

vampireninja:  _ do you mean that guy you were talking to after class? _

teethan: yes…

vampireninja:  _ oh, ethan _

teethan: what? "oh, ethan" what?

vampireninja:  _ look, im just saying that youre kinda hot _

teethan: oh, well thanks

possiblesociopath: where are you going with this rory

vampireninja:  _ and he was kinda hot and kinda flirting  _

teethan: he wasn't 

vampireninja:  _ basically, it's like this "im hot, you're hot, lets fuck" _

  
  


teethan: no isn't!

**irl**

"I don't know how you roped me into doing this…" - Ethan

"Ethan, you don't have to lie, I know you love all my ideas." - Benny

"Psh, as if. Every single last one of your ideas have gotten me in troub- Benny, just  _ what  _ are you doing?" - Ethan 

"Fixing my tits, dude. They keep sliding down." - Benny

"Right. Okay. " - Ethan 

"Now, away we go! Into to cheerleader try outs!" - Benny

***after tryouts, ethan and benny are at ethans, dressed back in their normal clothes***

"That was both the most arousing and most painful tryout I've ever been through. Arousingly painful?" - Benny

"I really do not need to know that, B." - Ethan 

"Did you see that on chick? With that the piercing? I think she was eyeing me." - Benny

"Yeah? Well,  _ I _ think that she was a lesbian and eyeing  _ Betty _ , not  _ Benny _ ." - Ethan.

"Ehh, you're just jealous 'cause everyone finds Betty more attractive." - Benny.

"I am in no way jealous that Rory made a pass at you."

"At Betty! It was at Betty!"

  
  



End file.
